Tuesday, August 19, 2008

10:37 AM
swirlswirl

Wedding Name Change Controversy

Illo_breaking_news_new London screenwriter Kris Myddelton hated his last name. So, when he made up his mind to marry his girlfriend, he decided to take her last name instead. “My surname was rubbish and hers wasn't,” he insists to London’s The Independent.

Unfortunately, his friends, family and even the British government didn’t see it that way. "I always considered my friends to be pretty metropolitan, but they too seemed to have problems coming to terms with it," notes Myddelton. "They thought I was joking; eventually I had to show them my new bank cards to get them to believe me. They kept asking 'Why?' People seemed vaguely disapproving, as if we were breaking a sacred rule."

Would you be upset if your FH wanted to take your last name instead? Share your opinion now!

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posted by:
Summer Krecke

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1

It is interesting that the majority of the posts about husbands taking the last name of the wife reflect a need to explain the reason for doing so AND most seem to give the reason as the groom "hating" or "not identifying" with his own family! I think that whatever a couple decides to do about their surnames- keep their own, hyphenate, merge, take his, or take hers- is great and is a personal choice that everyone else should respect. :)

Posted by: liza
on December 31, 2008 at 2:12 PM

2

I'm keeping my last name. This was a personal decision that I made a long time before I met my FH. My dad died when I was little and I always felt a strong tie to my name. My FH couldn't care less about his name but he won't give it up. And that's fine. So in this case no one is giving up their name.

Posted by: Lyndz
on September 11, 2008 at 11:09 AM

3

@Rachel Rachel: I feel for you. That reminds me of Sex and the City, where the baby is called Brady (which is the father's last name) and later on they decide to marry after all, I have always wondered which name they took. Probably hers ;)

Posted by: moikoi
on September 10, 2008 at 7:09 PM

4

I wonder, why is it that the man taking the woman's name seems in many people's opinion only reasonable if there's something "wrong" with the man's name? He doesn't like his family, she only has sisters, ... I never hear those reasons when a woman chooses to take her husband's name, why is it that men have to defend their reasons? I wish it wold just be natural to take *someone's* name without the raised eyebrows from less modern people. I find the discussion quite absurd, if not to say demeaning to the women who are told that their name is not worth passing on because they are female. Just let people take the name they like better.

Posted by: lolcat
on September 10, 2008 at 7:09 PM

5

I am 31. My predicament is that I always said i would change my last name to my husband's because, simply, I don't like my last name. My father was really not a part of my life, and I have no sentimental attachment, and it is a bland, not pretty name. Problem? My future husband's last name is my first name..exact spelling and everything. I have a common female name, which is NOT a common sir name, but a sir name nonetheless, and what are the odds that I meet a man with that last name and we plan to get married! I can not be Rachel Rachel (not actual names but you get the idea!). People suggested hyphenating. I hate hyphenated names and it really wouldn't be any better.. Rachel Smith-Rachel.. nope! He has suggested shorting my name but my first name is my name...it is who I am, not my last name. Anyway, there is no real solution, I just wanted to share this situation! I know he would love if I could take his last name and I would love to, but it really is not possible. Others suggested him taking my last name. I don't want that (and he isn't a fan of that idea either). I don't want to continue my last name for generations as I always wanted to get rid of it anyway! I obviously love his last name (hahaha..as it's my first name!) and would prefer to contunue that name on. Hey, the kids will still have my name in a round about way. So, i think we have surrendered to the fact that I will be Rachel Smith and he will be Matt Rachel and the kids will have his last name! Fine with me! ...except.. I want his name also :( As my mom always said, you can't have everything you want in life. So true. But, I will have a great husband who has a great last name! haha

Posted by: Scotian
on September 10, 2008 at 11:09 AM

6

My fiancé is going to take my last name. He doesn't have a relationship with his father and doesn't want that man's surname to be passed on to our future children. Although I'd love to take his name, and up until we got serious I always assumed I'd take my husbands name. My family, his family, and even complete strangers still resound with a contradictory "WHY??". They sound like we're about to start a life in a cult when they ask that and no one is that supportive. But it's not up to them, and it's none of their business it's mine and my husband to be's business.

Posted by: Leann
on September 9, 2008 at 11:09 PM

7

I can't see myself taking my FH's last name, simply because I've lived 31 years with this last name, and it is a very big part of me. I hope that I don't change enough once I'm married that I would need a new name! The only thing I regret is that our children will not have the same last name as (one) of us, so we're going to combine our last names for our children to use. People tell me I'm "lucky" my FH will agree to combining our names for our children instead of insisting they inherit his... I don't think it's luck; I wouldn't choose a man who felt otherwise!

Posted by: Jessica
on September 9, 2008 at 9:09 PM

8

I'm taking my FH's last name because I've never really cared for mine and though it is unique, I don't have strong cultural or family ties to it. Plus I have a brother and cousins to pass it along if they so choose. My last name is difficult to pronounce and I personally just like my FH's last name much more.

That said, I totally support the idea of a man taking his wife's name. Why not? Like someone else said, it actually does make a lot more sense to be matrilineal because there's almost always at least a birth record of who your mother is. Your father might be anyone's guess.

Besides... you know how we sometimes refer to marriage as 'holy matrimony?' Where do you think the word 'matrimony' comes from? From the Latin matr, or mater... it means matron, or mother. Not father. It's not patrimony, nothing in there says the woman has to take the man's name. And think about the marriage ceremony itself... to a certain extent, it's all about the bride!

A name has nothing to do with your responsibility in a marriage. What your parents name you as a child doesn't dictate the type of person you will become or the responsibilities you will have. Similarly, a husband taking his wife's name doesn't say anything about his masculinity or ability as a husband/father, and to assume it does is rather naive and judgmental.

It is actually a very humble action, I think, and shows a man is probably pretty open-minded and more interested in what his wife thinks than what other people might say. It shows real backbone, love, and commitment to the woman he has chosen to spend his life with. Which I imagine God is probably all right with, yeah? After all, surnames didn't even really come into common use until the 13th century in what is now France. It took three more centuries to catch on in Germany. Last names weren't even compulsory in Norway until 1923.

So to say that not taking your husband's name is going against God's wishes is a little flimsy. Eve didn't have to take Adam's name, after all-- he didn't have a last name! In Biblical times before the Babylonian exile, it was the custom to avoid repeating the names of predecessors.

People didn't even need last names because nobody else in their community would have the same one. And yet they still practiced marriage-- and these were God's chosen people. You think he would've mentioned somewhere sooner along the line if they were supposed to have last names to begin with, much less have a woman take her husband's. Last names only came into being to make it easier to identify people as populations began to grow and cultures began to mix.

And most people don't pay a bride price anymore, am I right? We don't bother with dowers or dowries, even though those are referred to in the Code of Hammurabi and Exodus and Deuteronomy in the Bible.

It's outdated in our culture... right? So if you claim that people ought to follow the custom of taking the man's name, then I certainly hope you make sure your groom pays your parents a bride price, and you better make sure your parents pay your groom a dowry, and you better make sure your groom gives you a dower or God will surely be most upset with all of you.

Aside from all that, the idea that men have to be the breadwinners is a very outdated idea, at least in most Western societies. Women are just as competent and able to earn a living, and many men have chosen to become stay-at-home dads. They do what they feel will work best for them, not what tradition mandates.

And the idea that men have to keep their last name to be masculine is also a bit absurd. If that is your idea of what makes a man a man, my condolences. I hope you will one day find that a real man is much more than the sum of his parts, or the surname of his parents.

Posted by: Kristie
on September 9, 2008 at 6:09 PM

9

I am so sick to death of people using the Bible as an excuse for the subjugation of women, homophobia and whatever else serves the purpose of the argument. The Bible was written by men. Patriarchal men. To say that the only way to have a true family is to have the man be the head of the household and the breadwinner under his last name is to be shockingly ignorant of the evolution of our society. To say that we have to follow a certain naming convention to honor our creator is profoundly brainwashed. Do you honestly believe that god (in whatever form) has nothing better to care about than whose last name a couple chooses? Last names didn't even exist in biblical times, therefore that argument is moot anyhow. Couples should be able to make up their own minds with regard to their name and the names passed on to their children and the rest of the world should respect that.

Posted by: Molly
on September 4, 2008 at 2:09 PM

10

i keep reading that men won't take the last name of the wife but agreed to the wifes hyphenating. i don't care what people choose but for me i will keep my last name. i didn't have to get permission from my future husband. even if he cared it wouldn't matter. we have been living like husband and wife for 5 years now. nothing is going to change when we get married.why should i lose my identity when we get married. the marriage is 50/50.i can't stand when single or unwed women give the name of the father to the baby. more than 1/2 the time the father isn't around.Why should they get credit when the mother is the one usually raising them. if i were to get pregnant now the baby would have my name. for the people that keep bringing the bible into it are you are the ones that always judge. you can have your opinion just like i have mine but please don't push it onto others. couples need to do whats right for themselves.

Posted by: stef
on September 2, 2008 at 2:09 PM

11

I think that if there are no males in the bride's family and there are in the Groom's the man could take her last name if he wanted. If there are no other males in the groom's family then the Bride should take his if she has brothers. and if they are only child's they should take whatever name they want. I've known couples who get married and keep their own name to pass it on and give their child a hyphenated name like Smith-jones.

Posted by: Lindsay
on September 1, 2008 at 3:09 PM

12

my fiance and i have been trying to come to a conclusion on who is going to have who's last name for some time now. i love the idea of him having my last name it is 2008 time for a change in "tradition". it would not make him any less of a man to have my last name.

Posted by: jasmine
on August 30, 2008 at 4:08 PM

13

Posting # 48, I hear you. There are their convienences : ) We had looks and people didn't quite understand. But we are happy with our choice and know this trend will become popular. A lot of people in Europe do this too.

Posted by: Mrs. M
on August 30, 2008 at 3:08 AM

14

For posting # 38, Your point is??? I'm not clear if you are anti-this question, or saying that it doesn't matter whose name is taken. How does Homosexuality tied ito this? are you homophobic? If so, you definitely need to seek support. The world is changing, people are free to choose regardless of race or gender preference. Peace out!

Posted by: Mrs. M
on August 30, 2008 at 3:08 AM

15

My husband has taken my name. I have always wanted to keep my name because of my strong cultural ties. I am part Hawaiian. He had not stron ties lineage wise to his side and decided to take my name not only to support my cultural identity but so our children would carry on the name. My name would have ended, because my sibling is female as well. It's awesome. Very progressive and if he felt strongly for his heritage we would have hyphenated.

Posted by: Mrs. M
on August 30, 2008 at 2:08 AM

16

I'm native american and the man is suppose to take the woman's last name, but the great thing about today is we have the right to choose. When i was growing up i got a great sense of pride for my last name, I know i did not wont to take my husbands last name I did know that i may not be so lucky to fall in love with someone who would be okay with it. So I told my FH that i would like to keep my last name, thinking that he was going to think i was crazy!! But when I told hem that may last name said a lot about me and who i am, he was so okay with it and we wonted are kids to have the same last name in hopes they would find the pride i found in it some day. I know that people think I'm crazy or look at us funny when they see are ID's or new friends. Don't get me wrong i love it when i get mail that has my husband last name on it or when some people call me by that name because they do not know, but I know in my hart if i had to do it all over again I would.

Posted by: Jennifer
on August 28, 2008 at 7:08 PM

17

My husband actually wanted to take my last name because he hates his father plus his past is kinda shady from his younger years. But our daughter has his last name and it would be to hard to change her last name. So i hyphenated my last name instead

Posted by: jackie Geier-James
on August 28, 2008 at 4:08 PM

18

Some women shave their legs and armpits and wear makeup... I'm taking my husband's last name. I make no excuses for myself, it's sexism, and we're all subject to it. It sucks.
A matrilinial society would make a lot more sense, seeing as you know who's vagina you come out of, and for the vast majority of history, people could not be sure who's sperm contributed to the genetic makeup of that child.
In my perfect world, women would keep their last names, men would keep their last names. If the couple decides to have children, males could take their father's last name, females could take their mother's. That way women would be just as valued as men. But this would require people to leave their sexist ideas at the door.
Anybody who argues that "it's tradition" or "the bible says so," needs to realize that that is not a base for a logical argument. Start thinking for yourself

Posted by: Emily
on August 28, 2008 at 11:08 AM

19

I think a person should feel free to what they want to o with otherpeople judging them!

Posted by: Cory
on August 28, 2008 at 2:08 AM

20

I think that it should be up to the couple what they want to do. I follow the Christian faith and I think it is okay. Like one of the others said we where made from the rib of a man not his feet. So we to stand beside eachother in marraige not one above and one below. That would be alot of back aches for the person below! lol! For me I would take on my FH's last name because that is what I feel is right. But it would make sense for a woman entering into a marraige with children and they have her maiden name it would make it easier on the children if the man would just take the womans last name. Now if you are a previously married woman and took on your ex's last name and still have that last name then it would almost be like smacking your FH in the face so even think of asking your FW to change his name to yours. But everyone is different. I wouldnt think anything less about a man who would take his FW's last name. God did give us the freedom of choice!

Posted by: Dallas
on August 28, 2008 at 2:08 AM

21

As a newbie in this idea and discussion, my first thoughts are these: 1) The man is to be the head of the household, so is the woman required to take his name? 2) However, the Lord does say in the Bible that it is the man who is to leave his father and mother and cleave unto his wife. Does that mean he is to take her name? The couple should pray about and discuss it together and how they feel led is how they should decide.

Posted by: Erin
on August 27, 2008 at 9:08 PM

22

I would love it if my fiance took my last name and added to his. So, that we would be Jack xxx-000 & Jill xxx-000. I already plan to add his to mine, but he's not buying into my idea, although he loves my last name!

Posted by: Claudia
on August 27, 2008 at 3:08 PM

23

My fiance and I will be married in 5 1/2 weeks and he is taking my last name. It was actually his ex that suggested he take my last name instead of doing a name change to reflect his deceased stepfather (he prefers not to be associated with his family). By taking my last name the linage would be a bit easier to follow as well. We also went as far as asking my parents how they felt about it and they were honoured by the request.

Posted by: Jen
on August 27, 2008 at 11:08 AM

24

I think you people who saying that God requires the female to take her husband's last name are on crack. I'm a Christian, but I'm also a professional who has been known by my last name for a little while. It only makes good business sense to keep my name. However, my name just happens to be long and weird so I am adding my fiance's name to the end. I really don't think God cares either way, just as long as we put him first in our lives and our marriage.

Posted by: hmv
on August 27, 2008 at 10:08 AM

25

Two of my best friends got married and he took her last name. The reason? He didn't like his family, they're kinda sleazy, and he'd rather be associated with hers. I think it's a fine idea. Personally, I want to take my fiance's last name because we don't really care as long as we have the same last name and it's just easier that way. We wouldn't have to explain the choice to everyone. Also, it's HARDER for a man to legally change his last name than a woman! Shouldn't be, but it is.

Posted by: Julie
on August 27, 2008 at 9:08 AM

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